The Fear

Firstly, before I say anything else, I just wanna say a BIG, MASSIVE, HUGE, THANK YOU to all of you who read my last post Baring It All & then went on to watch the actual documentary itself. 
Or, even if you didn't watch it & you just looked at the very moving photographs on the www.thescarproject.org website, thanks for that too cos, I'm on my own little mission here, just trying to get you all - & I do mean ALL; men & women - to regularly self examine so that hopefully, you never have to go through what I've been through.


So many people have thanked me for bringing the project & the website to their attention. 
I know it came as quite a shock to some of you to see the pictures but this is the reality of breast cancer.
Indeed, 'SCAR' is an acronym that stands for 'Surviving Cancer: Absolute Reality'. I think that the documentary & the photographs on The Scar Project website, definitely portrayed the 'absolute reality'.
My body now resembles that of some of the women on that site. It's a reality that I myself am faced with every single day & it's obviously going to stay with me for a very long time. 


I'm not a Doctor, nutritionist, health & fitness adviser etc etc so, I'm very much aware that I'm in no position to offer advice as to what you can do to avoid breast cancer or, any kind of cancer for that matter but, what I can do is, share my thoughts & feelings through this blog & just hope that it helps you to understand that this can happen to anyone so you should be vigilant about self examination.
Since I started this blog, I personally know of at least five people who have been worried about lumps or changes to their breast(s) & have been to their GP to arrange to have them checked out. THANKFULLY, they've all been ok & the lumps/changes have been nothing to worry about. 
Yeah, it's really crap that these people have had to do these things but, doesn't it just show that the message is getting through? And isn't it better to just go & be examined for your own peace of mind? And in quite a lot of cases, early detection is life saving.
I'm really, really happy that they are all ok & I'm quite proud of the fact that this blog prompted these people to have an examination. 


I said in my post 'And not forgetting the....' (cancer), that I've been really caught up with my impending move back to Liverpool so, cancer hasn't constantly been on my mind but, in all truth, it scares the shit outta me on a regular basis & fearful thoughts & paranoia often creep in.

Living with 'the fear'

A while ago, I said that I'd been told that I'm 'all clear' of cancer. In simple terms & for the purpose of this blog, that's what I chose to write at the time. Cos yes, they've taken the cancer away. A few people have actually said to me: "But you're cured now!"

Well - no, actually.

In real terms, I am still a cancer patient & will be for the next five years at least &, my actual 'status' in my medical records is 'NED'. Which means 'no evidence of disease'. At the moment. Hopefully my status will remain as 'NED'.


I think we all forget sometimes that, there is no cure for cancer!


Only last week when I spoke to Carol, my breast care nurse, I bombarded her with questions:
How do we know it hasn't spread anywhere else & is slowly killing me?
How do we know if the hormone treatments are working?
What's gonna happen when I stop the hormone treatments?
What if they've left a little bit of breast tissue on the right side of my chest & cancer is 'growing' again?
Why have I got to wait until next year before I have another mammogram?
Why can't I have a blood test or body scan right now just so that I know for definite it's gone?


And she replied:
"We can't give anyone a 100% guarantee that their cancer won't come back or in some cases, that it has actually all gone. You had no spread to the lymph nodes which is a good indication that it hasn't spread anywhere else. Yes, there are people who've had a similar diagnosis to yourself & months later they're diagnosed with secondary cancer but, what you need to do now is be vigilant in self examination &, if you have any aches or pains that are getting worse & don't go away after a couple of weeks then you need to see your GP in the first instance. We've taken all of the breast tissue away & the fact that you've suffered quite badly with side effects from the hormone treatments suggests that they are working. We don't routinely blood test or order scans for someone with a diagnosis like yours & yes, you will have to wait until your next mammogram to be entirely sure that the other breast is free of disease & that there has been no recurrence.....unless of course something happens in the meantime to suggest otherwise."


Her answer didn't really pacify me one little bit. (And now that I've actually written it on this blog & read it back to myself, I'm thinking, shit! What the f*ck?!) I'm trying so hard not to dwell on it. 
Quite simply, there are no guarantees & the only thing that I can do in the meantime is as she said: be vigilant about self examination & listen to my body. 
And try not to let it rule my life in the meantime.


So, that's my 'absolute reality' laid bare. This is my 'new normal'.


I'm still in the early stages of my treatment! I had my 5th, four weekly, Zoladex injection yesterday. My stomach is bloated, very sore at the injection site (it's an implant that goes in so the needle is quite thick - it really hurts!) & I've felt nauseous all day. Every time I have one of these painful injections, I have an upset tummy for the next 48 hours. These are pretty standard side effects to be honest but I don't like them! (As if you didn't know that already & if you didn't, where the hell have you been?!)
I'm still struggling like mad with insomnia, then night sweats that wake me up when I do finally get to sleep &, I'm having numerous hot flushes throughout the day.
I'm still feeling quite emotional too in fact, the electrician who's been working on my house came back to finish the job today, I'd met him a few times before he started the work & don't get me wrong, he's a lovely guy but, I don't really know him &, when he said "Best of luck Cheryl, I really hope everything works out for you", I started to cry!! I got really choked up! How embarrassing! I had to slam the front door shut & wipe away some tears! 
God knows what I'm gonna be like on Friday when I go out for one last time with my work friends! And the week after, I'm having a small 'get together' at my house so I can see some of my other friends.....it's gonna be like Niagra Falls! (But please don't let this put you off if you were planning on coming to my 'party'!!)


Anyway, enough of my paranoid nonsense & talking about stuff that will make me cry again! It's getting late, I'm really tired so I need to go to bed.


Once again, 'thanks' people, the support you show is just amazing & thanks to all the people that have voted for my blog in the 'Cosmo Blog Award' competition! I still find it hard to get my head around the fact that people want to read my ramblings! But I do know that there are many people out there that wish me well & genuinely want to know how I am.


Thank you for that.
Love Chez. xx


P.S: If you want to vote for my blog (please!), you just need to click on the pink Cosmo 'button' (top right) & the URL (that it asks you for) is: http://chez-diaryofadramaqueen.blogspot.com/
Cheers! xx

Baring It All

The Scar Project.

Ok, so I want to tell you all something.


A short time ago, I came across a website on the internet. 
At the time, I was actively searching for something; I was searching for photographs of women who'd had reconstructive breast surgery after breast cancer. I wanted to see what I could expect & how I might look - after all, I'll be having similar surgery soon......


I came across this site. www.thescarproject.org (You will need to click on the 'images' header on the actual website to see the bit that I'm talking about)


I've been in two minds whether to provide the link for this (I have provided it but please, have some respect), only because, this is a very touchy subject & very, very personal. And, it ain't a f*cking peepshow, this is serious shit.


The women in the photographs are all aged between 18 & 35. Slightly younger than me but, only by 4 years......I'm 39.....still considered young for breast cancer.
Anyway, David Jay, the photographer who masterminded this whole thing, is a renowned fashion photographer but, when one of his close, female friends was diagnosed with breast cancer, he wanted to do something to help. So, he did what he did best.
He took photographs. 
And OH MY: how powerful & life changing (for the women who took part in it), these photographs were.


There's a documentary about his project, called 'Baring It All' & it's on TV tonight (27th August), it's on 'The (UK) Style Network' at 7pm.
Then again at 9pm on 29th August, then at 10am on 31st August.


It follows women who've been on a similar journey to me.
And these women have been photographed - topless - to show what breast cancer really means & looks like. But it's not just a 'Page 3', gratuitous shoot; this project means so much more.

The Scar Project website states:  Although Jay began shooting The SCAR Project primarily as an awareness raising campaign, he was not prepared for something much more immediate . . . and beautiful: “For these young women, having their portrait taken seems to represent their personal victory over this terrifying disease. It helps them reclaim their femininity, their sexuality, identity and power after having been robbed of such an important part of it. Through these simple pictures, they seem to gain some acceptance of what has happened to them and the strength to move forward with pride."

This project made quite an impression on me. As did the statement above.
Cos I'm still young, still a woman & still hoping for normality after all of this.
I'll say it now - although I appreciate all of the fundraising that is held on behalf of breast cancer......I ain't really a 'Pink Ribbon' kind of gal.


I've always been a bit 'in yer face', I like to make an impact & a lasting impression.


So, I contacted Swansea University to ask if any of their 3rd year photography students would like to 'use me' as a project. The student would get an interesting project & I would get photographs of me - looking beautiful - but......interesting.
And they were very, very interested in using me as a subject.
I contacted them because I was so inspired by these moving, raw, honest photographs that portrayed women at their most beautiful........but also, at their most vulnerable. I can totally relate to them.


Anyway, I'm moving back to Liverpool now so, I suppose I need to contact the Art & Design unit at John Moores University Liverpool, instead.
But, I totally stand by my eagerness to do a similar thing in the very near future.


And if you do decide to take a look - & please believe me - this is a harrowing but very real situation - I hope you'll understand that I feel like I need to 'do something'.


And if this is what makes you all sit up & take notice - then so be it.


This is life with breast cancer. This is what can happen. It ain't pretty, it ain't good - but it's real.


It's happened to me. Keep checking those breasts. Watch the documentary.


Love Chez. xx

Too Much Too Soon?

Ha! I might have known that the sudden rush of energy I felt when I got to Liverpool - & that has stayed with me since getting home (up to now!) - would fizzle out eventually.....& it has!


I'm starting to flag already; I can't take the pace any longer, all this moving house & organising everything is wearing me out. It's really hit me how tired I am & it hasn't helped that my little girl has a really bad cough that's keeping us both awake at night. Both of our sleep patterns are way out & we're both shattered.
We've had no hot water here for the past two days which has been a bit of a nightmare to be honest (I love convenience, hate messing about or making things harder than they have to be) &, I've had electricians here too fiddling about all day every day but, they're gone now & I have hot water again & safe electrics so, I'm thankful for that!
I mean, I'm getting some things done. I've kept appointments with my GP & with my counsellor, I've spent loads of time on the phone sorting whatever it is out but I've got to say, I'm not feeling too good & I think I forgot that I still get tired pretty quickly. Now that reality has kicked in & there are practical things to be done, my get up & go has got up & gone! I can't seem to make major in-roads into what I'm doing, I'm finding it hard to concentrate (damn hormone treatment) & I'm just so, so tired.
I've still got pain in my kidneys which is getting worse & after me saying that I've had no major problems with my right arm, it's now decided to start playing silly buggers; my arm is aching, it feels numb & my right hand is freezing all the time (freezing as in feels very cold) but, actually, it's freezing in the other sense of the word too, funny enough. I was fastening the cuff on my dress the other day & my hand literally got stuck. I couldn't open my hand for a little while. It felt horrible, it hurt & it scared me a bit. I'm sure it's just part of the process in healing, you know, nerves re-attaching etc etc......I don't know, I'm just presuming this actually but, next time I speak to Carol, my breast care nurse, I'm definitely going to mention it cos it's getting to be a bit of a problem to be honest. My hand feels stiff & like it's not working properly.


I suppose something else that is probably 'getting to me' a little bit is also the fact that my employment contract ends tomorrow. As I've said before, it would have been a massive personal achievement to get back to work but, things didn't turn out as expected so, from tomorrow, I'm a Lady of Leisure! (I don't want to say 'unemployed'!) 


Anyway, getting back to the situation as it stands, let's take all of these aches, pains, whatever they are, as signs that my body's saying 'Hey, slow down a bit! How about we take things a little bit easier?!'
I know now when I've had enough & I know when I need to take time out. I've been here before.
I'm well aware that I've got a lot to do & that I'm still recovering but, it goes against my nature to slow down; I like to get things done, it's always been a problem to me how long this recovery period is taking but I can't ignore signs that things 'aren't right'.
All I seem to be doing at the moment - by doing I mean doing 'moving house things' - is 'a little bit here & a little bit there', I haven't really completed anything in full! And that's because I feel like shit & I'm starting to stress about the move....the good news though, is that I haven't (yet) sunk into the depths of despair again, I'm still unsure of the effect that Zoladex has on me, jury's still out on that one but hey ho, I have another appointment for my four weekly injection next Tuesday! So we'll see how I am after that shall we?!


So! I need to re-think my strategy here cos otherwise, I'm gonna end up burnt out & good for nothing before I even get to Liverpool.
It's not even a case of 're-thinking my strategy'; more like just do a bit each day, relax a bit, take time out & better care of myself & take the help when it's offered instead of saying 'No, I'm ok, everything's under control!'
Miss (used to be soooo) Independent here is finding it a bit hard to let anyone give me a hand but, I'm learning to accept that I'm a bit vulnerable & a bit battered at the moment.....& I could do with a hand actually! 
My counsellor has helped me no end with coming to terms with what I've been through, not just with the breast cancer but, with everything that happened prior to & leading up to it. So I do realise that, all of these feelings & emotions are'part of a process'. I've had the fear, the pain, the realisation, the anger, the sense of loss, the grief, the depression....you name it. 'Acceptance' is just another part of the process. I know that when I get back to Liverpool I'll finally be able to relax & I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be back on form & fighting fit again. 
I just don't know how long it's gonna take for me to get to that point but I know I will get there. Eventually.


Ok, so I've talked myself into chilling out a bit now. I do have something important to do tomorrow (& no, it can't wait actually, it has to be done before the bank holiday!) but, if that's the one thing that I manage to get done then I'll be happy with that!
I've also just arranged to have lunch with a friend & then it's the weekend so, I'll be spending time with my daughter & mum & dad. It'll be our last Bank Holiday weekend in Wales!


Well, this started out as a short post but I've been waffling for a while now, what I wanted to do was to mention that I've now been referred to a plastic surgeon in Liverpool (I know his name & everything!) & I now have a date for an appointment with my oncologist, Dr M, before I go back to Liverpool. My counsellor is also going to put me in touch with a counsellor up North so, from the medical/health care point of view, things are moving!


I think I've done enough of the 'putting the wheels in motion' now, after my 'important thing' tomorrow, I think I can justifiably take a break from it all over the weekend.


Oh, dunno if you noticed? I've changed a few little things on the blog, just small changes here & there? I haven't had time to re-do my 'Special Mentions' page but I'm working on it!


So for now, the only thing left to say really is (if I don't get time to pop back here over the weekend that is), 'Have a great Bank Holiday weekend!'
See you soon,


Love Chez. xx

And Not Forgetting The......

.......Breast Cancer. 
How could I forget about it? The answer is, I couldn't.

Keep on bloggin'

But, it's not on my mind constantly any more & - this has actually been pointed out to me, a few times recently - it's not the only topic of conversation that I have now!
Admittedly, it's largely due to the fact that I'm planning & starting to organise 'the big move' back to Liverpool - which is keeping me busy to say the least - but, cancer is not the first thing on my mind any more as I wake up each day.
I can't get away from it completely cos (besides the 7" scar across the right side of my chest that serves as a daily reminder of all of this shit), I've had to liase with Carol (my breast care nurse) every week since my mastectomy anyway & she's always known that ultimately, my main goal was to get home to Liverpool as soon as I could; in fact, we chatted about it last week & I told her that I'd now made the decision to get back there before I have my reconstructive surgery.
Judging by her reaction when I told her yesterday that I'm leaving Wales next month & - it's got to be said - some friends reactions, I don't think anyone thought things would move so quickly for me. I've never been one to hang about, once I have an idea in my head then that's pretty much it, I have a one track mind until I get what I want but, even I'm surprised this time!
Anyway, I've chatted to Carol quite a lot this week (yes I know it's only Tuesday!), cos she's organising the transfer of my healthcare from Wales up to the North West.


I'm a bit nervous about meeting a new Oncologist, a new breast care nurse, a new surgeon etc etc. I'm hoping I 'gel' with them quite quickly but let's face it, I'm probably going to be seeing them quite a lot over the next four & a half years or so anyway so there's no rush, let's just get it right, eh?
I've got to see my Oncologist Dr M, before I leave Wales, about my Hormone Therapy; my moods have definitely lifted since I decided to 'go back home'. Don't get me wrong, I've still 'had my moments'  but, it's the number & the severity of the hot flushes & night sweats that are getting beyond ridiculous now & they're really getting me down so, Carol is arranging an appointment with him so that all of my medication is in place before I go home....apparently he can give me something to combat this.
I'm not happy that I may end up having to take even more tablets each day & I'm pretty sure my kidneys aren't liking it either, they've really been hurting, especially the one on the right.....I'm hoping it's just a mild infection, I'll know by the end of this week anyway.


It's times like these - after a cancer diagnosis - when if there's a new twinge, ache or pain in your body, you can't help getting a little bit paranoid, especially if it lasts longer than two weeks; if it lasts longer than two weeks then, one of your medical team will tell you, you should really get it checked out. (I've written a post about this before: The Two Week Rule ) 


Anyway I'm saying, I still have fleeting moments where panic & fear set in, especially when I'm in pain. So I can't completely forget about cancer. I suppose it's always at the back of my mind but I'm just glad that, for the moment at least, it's not at the forefront.


Happily, at the moment, I'm pre-occupied with 'the big move' so, although breast cancer is still very much in my daily thoughts, it no longer feels like it's ruling my life. I've got things to keep me busy so I can see beyond it.
And I'm excited!


Today I've been getting quotes from removals firms & speaking to the utilities companies, I've been clearing drawers & cupboards.....it's funny, I've been in this property just less than a year & I've accumulated so much crap in such a short space of time. 
But it's been good therapy; clearing the clutter & putting things in order, deciding what & what not to take with me. 


I just can't wait to get home! I know I keep on saying it, but at this time, four weeks today, I'll be in my new home, back in my city, back with my family, old & new friends, ready to start my life again.


I can't help but look forward to it. It's keeping me going actually!
I've got loads to do again tomorrow but I'm loving it! I've got a sense of purpose for the first time in months.
But it's also very tiring too. So on that note, I'm off to bed.
Back soon!


Nos da. Love Chez. xx

Fab & Freaky Fate!!

You'll never believe what's happened! Only something AMAZING!!


I know I've neglected the blog this past week, BUT!! Anyone who really knows me will tell you, once I get an idea into my head, I'm like a dog with a bone! I won't stop until 'mission completed' & since I got back to South Wales on the 10th August, my main priority has been to find a property in Liverpool for me & my 4 year old daughter. It's taken up a lot of my time & I've spent days trawling the internet & phoning estate agents, with no success so far.......


Anyway, getting back to the BRILLIANT turn of events!
Last night I was speaking to an old friend from Liverpool on the phone, we lost touch for a time, we probably haven't spoken to each other in about six, maybe seven years? It's been a long time but, chatting to her last night was just great, I've always wondered how she is & have heard bits about her life from mutual friends.....but there's nothing like catching up & we gassed for about an hour last night! 
And the fab & freaky fate part?? Only turns out that she has a house in Liverpool available for rent!! It's a lovely little house in a great location, it's not close to my sister where I wanted to be (property is actually like gold dust in the area where my sister lives) but, it gets me back to Liverpool quickly & it's just worked out PERFECTLY! I've stayed in the house already, when I used to live in Liverpool &, the fact that it's a friends & we're helping each other out is FANTASTIC!! (Everything needs capital letters today cos am SO EXCITED!!!
The school that I'm hoping to enrol my daughter into - which is a 2 minute walk away from the house - was regarded as 'outstanding' in it's OFSTED report so I'm really glad about that & hope it works out in our favour that she gets in there.


The main thing though, is just getting back to the city for a fresh start & to be close to my family & all of my old friends. I just can't wait. 


So, I'm leaving Wales on 20th September! A month today!


I've got loads to do, loads to arrange & organise......but I'm sooooo HAPPY!!


And even though this is a short post again, at least you now know why - I've got a house to pack up!! So I'll leave it there for today then. From Monday things will really start moving so, I best go & get some shit done!


Funny how things turn out, eh? Maybe this is a sign of things to come? Lucky events & serendipity? I soooo hope it is!! After everything that has happened in the past three years, surely it's time to wipe the slate clean & give me a break?!!


Let's hope so! I'll be back through the week so you know what's happening!
Liverpool - SEE YOU SOON!! WOOHOO!!  


Love Chez. xx

Gone to Lunch

Well, not really....I haven't gone to lunch but, I had a real busy day yesterday & I've now got the headache from hell so, I'm really tired & I've just about had enough of the laptop for today!


So, no blog post as such, just a quick note to say I'm busy behind the scenes trying to do all kinds of stuff & I've had a really busy week in general but, there are no words in my head at the moment so I can't tell you anything about any of it!
It doesn't help that I've now developed insomnia & then when I do eventually get to sleep, I'm woken up by night sweats. I am SHATTERED! 


I think an early night is in order!  
I'll be back soon.


Nos da, 


Chez. xx

My Post on Annie's Blog

This is a copy of the blog post I wrote for Annie.....

Out of Office: Auto-reply!

Visits to this blog are being diverted.......

Only joking! But it's true - I'm not 'here!'


I'm somewhere else in the blogosphere! 
I don't know how long the post is gonna stay on Annie's blog for but!!!!! Until further notice, I can be found over there! Actually 'guest posting' on the fab blog, Curly Hair & False Eyelashes!
So! Get yourself over there now!! I'll be back in a few days to tell you what it's like in another part of Cyberspace!!


Back soon! Love Chez. xx

Hello Kitty, Goodbye Wales

The kids LOVED Hello Kitty!! 

Ok, ok, so I said I'd blog a bit more about my trip to Liverpool last week. The main reason we went up there was because it was my daughter's 4th birthday while we were away so, we held a party for her & we also invited our family (which is pretty big!) & a whole host of friends that we haven't seen for a long time. (Oh - & Hello Kitty came too!) I haven't been home since early December 2010 & I was sooo ill when I went up there last that I didn't see a soul - apart from my immediate family that is.


There are so many people that have contacted me since my diagnosis, I knew I wouldn't have time to see everyone individually, so a 'get together/reunion' type party seemed like a great idea.
And it was! There was a brilliant turn out & my little girl loved every minute of it! So did I!


I should say here, that to all of you that turned up, I am so grateful that you did & thank you so much for all of Laiken's lovely gifts - & for my gifts too! It certainly was a day to remember & I'll never forget those of you that have supported me through these tough times. I finally feel like my depression is lifting & it's all because of you lot!! (So if I turn back into the party girl lunatic that you remember, it's all your fault!!)


Anyway, my fab 'little' sister Leah, took Laiken home with her after the party had finished, that was so good of her! It gave me time to catch up with some of my best friends & by about 7.30pm (feeling slightly worse for wear!), there were four of us left: Kerry, Michelle, Nicola & myself.


These three women are my fab friends that I have known like, FOREVER & even though at times we all got a little bit emotional, I was just so happy to spend time with them. We chatted like we'd never been apart, laughed, cried, danced (to our favourite Old Skool tunes!), sang & generally had a brilliant time; ladies, we will definitely be seeing a lot more of each other when I move home for good! (Stop crying Michelle!) ......That's how you know who your true friends are though isn't it? Their love is unconditional; it doesn't matter that we haven't physically seen each other for such a long time (although we chat on the phone & through Facebook etc); we picked up from where we left off (seems like yesterday!) & it was just like old times & I loved every minute of it!


All day at the party, I was telling people that I was going to have my reconstruction done in Wales & then 'hang around' for six months afterwards (at my surgeons request) but, by the time I got back to my sister's house later that evening (about 9.30pm cos I still get really tired at the moment & I'd been up since 7.30am!), I just knew that my heart was no longer in Wales & that I needed to return home as soon as possible.


After having a great time with my sister, her partner & my gorgeous niece & nephew & the rest of my family & friends, spending time with my girlfriends was just the straw that broke the camels back. I love them, my family & all of my other friends so much, that the thought of leaving them all behind to travel nearly 200 miles away was breaking my heart.


At 11pm on Tuesday evening, after much soul searching & agonising, I finally broke down in tears to my sister & cried like a baby!


And so, the next day when we were in the car, leaving Liverpool, I spoke to my parents & said I'd changed my mind - I wanted to get back ASAP.
My mum & dad have been absolutely brilliant over the past few years, they've supported all of the decisions I've made (such as going back to work full time, filing for bankruptcy, leaving my daughter's dad, moving house, the list goes on!) & this time was no exception.
So, the decision was made & already, we are looking for two suitable properties in Liverpool & as soon as we can get back there, we'll be gone!


Hang on a minute: this blog post was supposed to be more about my trip & all I've done is just explained in a bit more detail why I'm leaving South Wales! Sorry! I have a one track mind at the moment! It's all about getting home! Even if there were riots whilst I was there! (Which I thought were pointless & disgusting but hey, we could chat about that all day couldn't we? And this blog is about me! Not mindless idiots that choose to sh*t on their own doorsteps, the d*ckheads!)


Ok, so what I'm going to do in the next few days is update my 'Special Mentions' page cos, there are so many people that I'd like to pay tribute to or, give a little mention to so, keep your eye out for that! That's where I'm going to put all of my 'Thank You's!' And in the future, whenever I want to say something specific to anyone, I think that's where I'll be posting it.


Anyway! Exciting stuff now! 
I've already mentioned in my last blog post, Home Is Where The Heart Is, that my 'Guest of Honour' at the party  was none other than Annie, author of the fantastic blog,  Curly Hair & False Eyelashes! (Even though all the kids had gone & it was really quiet by the time she arrived - actually, that was very well played Annie! Ha ha, you're not soft are you? Arriving when about 30 over excited kids had gone!! I'm joking by the way!)
I was so happy to meet Annie & if you visit her blog on Monday, 15th August, that's where I'll be! Guest blogging on her blog! I've never done a guest post before! And I'm a little bit nervous to be honest!


So, if you all pile over there on Monday, anytime after 9am I believe, you'll be able to read my post about Annie & me.


Until then, I want to leave you with this song that I heard on BBC Radio 2 yesterday &, it's been stuck in my head ever since! 

I'm sure you'll recognise the tune!  And, it just seems like an appropriate song for the moment! And, there are some funny lyrics in it! One or two of them definitely strike a chord with me! But, the main message is 'Sometimes you wanna go - where everybody knows your name!'
That's what it felt like on Saturday in Liverpool - like I was in a comfortable place where EVERYBODY knew my name!


So I'll leave you with it & hope to see you all on Monday, albeit in a different part of Cyberspace.
Wonder what it's like over there?
I'll let you know!
Enjoy the rest of your weekend! 


Love Chez. xx

Home Is Where The Heart Is ♥

I'm back from Liverpool & I had a FABULOUS time! 
It was amazing & it really lifted me & my mood! It's done me a world of good & I'm so glad I went! It was brilliant to see my family & so many of my friends &, if the truth be known, I really didn't want to come back to South Wales yesterday.


I've got so much to say about my trip but I'm soooo tired after nearly six days away, I'm finding it hard to string a sentence together! So I'll be filling you in on all the details over the weekend I think!


However, the main thing I do want to say this evening though, is that I made a huge decision late on Tuesday evening &, although it goes against everything I've been saying for a while, in my heart, I know I'm making the right decision.


I've decided - I'm going home to Liverpool as soon as I possibly can.
I'm almost certainly delaying my reconstructive surgery by relocating, but I don't care! 
I want to go home as soon as possible & I've even gone so far as to contact letting agents in Liverpool today.


Being home around people that I love has just made my homesickness even worse than it was &, as much as I love South Wales, I no longer feel settled here, I need my family & friends around me & I can't wait to get back to my city for good.


I do feel sad about leaving Wales but I've got to do what's going to be for the best in the long run & the pull towards home has never been stronger than it is now. After recent events, I don't see any reason to delay the inevitable. I'll have so much more support there because quite simply, there are more people that I know there & more of my family!


Anyway, like I said, I'm dead beat but I thought that I'd better share my news cos even though I said it would put too much pressure on me, I honestly think that I need a fresh start & that this is the way forward - I'm actually really excited about it all!

There's no place like home, there's no place like home....!!

So, I'm going to leave the blog here tonight cos I am desperate for an early night!


I'll be back soon! I've got loads to blog about, it was such a fantastic break away, there are so many people to mention & thank.....& I have stories about a 'Hello Kitty' party for a four year old 'princess' too! 


Also!! Major excitement, I'm so delighted to say that, I met the lovely Annie of Curly Hair & False Eyelashes too while I was 'Oop North'!! 
That deserves a post all of it's own actually; watch this space for that one!


Until next time then, just know that I feel happier than I've done in quite a while & I'm starting to smile again. I'm looking forward to the future & I'm looking forward to seeing all of my friends in Wales before I leave!


I can feel a night out coming on.....!!


See you soon, love Chez. xx

Here Comes The Sun!!

It's blatantly obvious from my depressing posts of late, that I felt shit last week & have done so for a while &, I'd be lying if I said I felt bloody brilliant now! However, I do feel a bit better! (She says, knowing full well that she's had a Zoladex injection today; ssshhh! If we ignore it, the side effects may not hit as hard this month.......I live in hope).


Following on from last Thursdays post, my Gorgeous Friend & I apologised to each other so I'm feeling a whole lot better about that situation. At least I've made peace & we're sort of friends again.....not close friends like before but hey, that just serves me right for being a psychopathic bitch really, doesn't it?
Anyway, that's that. I can't say any more about it really except that I've learned a lesson or two & I've also discovered a few things about myself & about what I want & what I don't want......


Moving swiftly on from that then!!


This week I'm gearing up to go to Liverpool on Friday & I can't wait to get there! Woohoo! *does a little dance!*
It's my daughter's 4th birthday while we're away so we're throwing a "Hello Kitty" party for her.
I say 'we' but that's not strictly true! My fab sister & my fab friend Nicola, have organised everything & pretty much all I've got to do is turn up there with the Diva Child - yes, it's her new name & it says it all really - they've taken all of the stress away from me & I am so, so grateful for everything! Laiken is gonna love it & it's her day; she's been through some awful things with me in the past three years, she's been a little star & it's her that has kept me going. 
In my darkest moments - & there have been a few - it's the thought of Laiken that has pulled me through & made me want to 'carry on'. At times like those, nothing or no-one else enters my head......only Laiken.
Anyway, she's already packed our case, it's full of crap but I'm gonna wait til Thursday evening before taking out all of her dolls/books/kareoke machine (yes!)/teddy bears etc etc so that at least we'll have clothes to wear when we get there! Doing it before Thursday seems a pretty pointless exercise really cos she will only fill the bloody thing again.


So, the party!! Once the kids have had their party, we're gonna stay at the venue for drinks & between my sister & I, we've invited loads of old friends, ex-colleagues, people we haven't seen for years & all of our family. My parents & I are only staying in Liverpool for a few days, there's no way I'd get to see everybody that I want to see in such a short time scale so it kinda made sense to invite people that I feel have supported me. There have been so many, it seemed a sensible thing to do!
And it's looking like it's gonna be a fab reunion! I'm excited!! I haven't been 'home' since early December last year! I am soooo looking forward to it!


Liverpool is my first holiday this year. I say first cos I'm definitely gonna have a few more! I'm off work for six months now (my present to myself after working my arse off for all of my life!) &, I intend to 'get out & about'.


Hence the title of this evenings blog post: Here Comes The Sun!! (Just in case you were wondering where the title came from).


For me, it feels like the sun is only just coming out again. My summer starts here. 
I've been on such a rollercoaster ride, I don't think I've known my arse from my elbow for much of the past seven months!
I've sat back & watched everybody getting on with their lives whilst I've been having this treatment & it has done my head in!!
Especially now that everybody's buggering off on holidays!


And this morning, whilst half listening to the radio in the car, I heard the song, 'Here comes the sun' by The Beatles! 
You know what? Hearing that song put me in a really good mood! I turned up the volume! And the Liverpool/Beatles connection thingy, well! What can I say? The song's been in my head all day so, I'm adding the You Tube link for it to today's blog so, if I get pissed off through this next week, I can replay it & recapture the feeling that 'today has been a pretty good day, I'm feeling pretty positive & I'm going on my 'holidays'!!' (Feel free to have a listen too though - the words are so apt for me at the moment!)

Actually, instead of The Beatles version, I'm going with fellow Cancer survivor, Sheryl Crow's version - it's also the version that my 4 year old knows best too - cos it's from one of her favourite films, Bee Movie!

I've got to go, I'm shattered this evening, I've been shopping the past two days & I've joined the gym again too. It's been a long time since I've exercised but I know exactly what I'm like; after the initial pain (I'm expecting to be very stiff for a while actually!), I'll love exercising like I did before I had my daughter; it'll be my new addiction! I want my six pack back, I want to be able to run for miles again & I want to be glowing with health. Don't want much really......!


So I'm going! Don't forget to listen to the song!


Love Chez. xx