I've had a few good days since the last posting but after having another Zoladex injection last Wednesday, I'm in 'that' place again - yes, the depths of despair.
Each time I've had the injection, (as you well know by now), I go a little bit further 'down', it's getting worse not better & whilst I've been told countless times by the various Breast Care Nurses & other medical professionals that this can often be the case for many women, I can't just let the feelings 'wash over' me; I can't 'embrace' them; it's not in my nature & although I know I'm not doing myself any favours, I can't help but fight it all the way.
Aside from all the other feelings that I get after I've had Zoladex, (please refer to any of my previous postings if by any chance you need a reminder), I'm now finding that after I've had one, I can sleep for England. I wake up many times throughout the night/morning but I literally feel as if I can only move my head. Seriously. I feel paralysed from the neck down. And I can't move until I've had 12 hours sleep.
Well I'm not happy about this at all. I'm wide awake in the evenings but fit for nothing until gone midday every day. It's just not on; my life is passing me by.
Ok, I'm the first to admit, I'm not the most delightful person to be around first thing in the morning - not until I've had my hot water & lemon & then a cup of (albeit decaff) coffee - but, I've always, always hauled myself out of bed & got my arse into work.
Yes, I know I'm not working at the moment (I've put my self employment on hold for the time being) but that's besides the point. My bedroom has recently been redecorated & whilst I LOVE the new decor, it doesn't mean I want to spend all my bloody time in there!
I'd say that the title of this blog post is self explanatory but just to re-iterate: This. Can't. Go. On. FACT.
I've had enough. I'm going crazy & I'm sick of feeling like this.
I know I've got at least another two weeks before the anti depressants kick in & maybe if life could be 'paused' while I sleep until that happens then I'd grin & bear it. But that can't be done. (Obviously.)
So today, after crying into my cornflakes for a little while, I rang my Breast Care Nurse & after a long discussion, she suggested that she make me an appointment with the Consultant Surgeon whose care I am now under. (In Liverpool, the Consultant Surgeon looks after me cos I never had chemotherapy - it was the Oncologist in Wales.....things are set up slightly differently here.....just thought I'd clarify that point.)
Anyway, I'm going to see him as soon as I can & the suggestion is that maybe I stop having Zoladex for a while. Maybe even just for 3 months. Obviously they will 'keep an eye' on me in the meantime & by then I should hopefully be feeling the benefit of the anti depressants & be more able to manage the side effects from this 'sledgehammer' of a drug. (My psychologists description, not mine but, I do have to agree with her cos it does feel like I've been hit with a sledgehammer not long after having it.)
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| Zoladex?? |
I've never looked forward to seeing someone so much in my life. Roll on appointment day.
It can't come soon enough. I finally feel like I'm being treated as a person, not as a type of cancer - if you know what I mean.
Anyway. That is all.
Love Chez. xx
Chez, as ever, you are so honest and open. Sorry this nonsense continues, you are right, it must stop... hope seeing the surgeon gets some helpful results (I see a surgeon too even though I did have chemo and rads... it's a crazy world!)
ReplyDeleteHugs my friend, you will get through.
Truly hope that the consultant surgeon appointment comes through quickly for you hun, get this immediate problem sorted out for you. I'm pretty sure you don't need to be feeling this crap, on top of everything else. Also hoping the anti-d's start doing their job quickly, so they can at least keep you on a bit more of an even keel. Sending you massive hugs as always - and thanks for being so open and honest about your progress (of lack of, as it sometimes feels to you). xx
ReplyDeleteChez
ReplyDeleteJulie here
I read your blog all the time, and get so much from it as you come across as such a bubbly positive person, which helps me!
I am sorry I am crap at doing comments. But I love your blog- keep going - you are an inspiration.
Thank you x