I've had a few good days since the last posting but after having another Zoladex injection last Wednesday, I'm in 'that' place again - yes, the depths of despair.
Each time I've had the injection, (as you well know by now), I go a little bit further 'down', it's getting worse not better & whilst I've been told countless times by the various Breast Care Nurses & other medical professionals that this can often be the case for many women, I can't just let the feelings 'wash over' me; I can't 'embrace' them; it's not in my nature & although I know I'm not doing myself any favours, I can't help but fight it all the way.
Aside from all the other feelings that I get after I've had Zoladex, (please refer to any of my previous postings if by any chance you need a reminder), I'm now finding that after I've had one, I can sleep for England. I wake up many times throughout the night/morning but I literally feel as if I can only move my head. Seriously. I feel paralysed from the neck down. And I can't move until I've had 12 hours sleep.
Well I'm not happy about this at all. I'm wide awake in the evenings but fit for nothing until gone midday every day. It's just not on; my life is passing me by.
Ok, I'm the first to admit, I'm not the most delightful person to be around first thing in the morning - not until I've had my hot water & lemon & then a cup of (albeit decaff) coffee - but, I've always, always hauled myself out of bed & got my arse into work.
Yes, I know I'm not working at the moment (I've put my self employment on hold for the time being) but that's besides the point. My bedroom has recently been redecorated & whilst I LOVE the new decor, it doesn't mean I want to spend all my bloody time in there!
I'd say that the title of this blog post is self explanatory but just to re-iterate: This. Can't. Go. On. FACT.
I've had enough. I'm going crazy & I'm sick of feeling like this.
I know I've got at least another two weeks before the anti depressants kick in & maybe if life could be 'paused' while I sleep until that happens then I'd grin & bear it. But that can't be done. (Obviously.)
So today, after crying into my cornflakes for a little while, I rang my Breast Care Nurse & after a long discussion, she suggested that she make me an appointment with the Consultant Surgeon whose care I am now under. (In Liverpool, the Consultant Surgeon looks after me cos I never had chemotherapy - it was the Oncologist in Wales.....things are set up slightly differently here.....just thought I'd clarify that point.)
Anyway, I'm going to see him as soon as I can & the suggestion is that maybe I stop having Zoladex for a while. Maybe even just for 3 months. Obviously they will 'keep an eye' on me in the meantime & by then I should hopefully be feeling the benefit of the anti depressants & be more able to manage the side effects from this 'sledgehammer' of a drug. (My psychologists description, not mine but, I do have to agree with her cos it does feel like I've been hit with a sledgehammer not long after having it.)
I've never looked forward to seeing someone so much in my life. Roll on appointment day.
It can't come soon enough. I finally feel like I'm being treated as a person, not as a type of cancer - if you know what I mean.
Anyway. That is all.
Love Chez. xx